MY STUPIDASS DIARY

major updates coming soon

2008-09-06T07:41:33Z

currently working on screenplays for a comedy. will probally post copies when completed.

time flies

2008-08-11T23:16:48Z

the last month summed up.

on the fourth of july i went down to the oceanfront and got hammered. i was beligerent to everyone i saw and should of been arrested. i played the drums on atlantic avenue on a set that was set up for a street band. they came back and cussed me out. so i returned the verbal lashing by telling them i was better than them. I was so drunk that i had to call someone to come get me because i was too drunk to find my car.
finished summer semester. got a's in both my classes.
went to project revolution tour.
went to rockstar mayhem tour. knocked someone out cold during a wall of death while red chord was playing. got to meet walls of jericho. had vip tickets. had a great time.
finally got another raise.
bought a drumset.
got steelers and redskins tickets as an early birthday gift.

foreign languages are fun

2008-07-03T22:31:10Z

according to google this is how to say the my favorite phrase in a number of languages.
股間大好き
انا احب الهره
我爱阴毛
사랑 야옹l
я люблю киска
adoro coño
e di amore figa
dragoste si pizde
jeg elsker mis
i αγάπη γάτα

leopard ink

2008-06-30T23:56:04Z

Razor sharp talons fresh with flesh.
Light spotted with night wraps together
strained pulsating muscles
that fall lazily behind insatiable
blood lusting amazon marbles.
Crimson stained fangs
growl so thunderously,
luscious forestry falls
with hurricane's pellet rain
on miles of sand dunes
across a turbulent sea.
Lost in a fantasy world.
I trace this on hips with finger tips.

a burden ridden task

2008-06-30T23:54:54Z

A watchful eye on an eight month angel.
A memory faded by a thousand years.
Transformed into king at thirteen
by a golden haired queen of the land.
The crown weightless, the septor rigid.
Floating up steps, the torch ready to be passed.
Frigid blue from two feet of cotton.
The rise and fall of waves has ceased.
The world a distorted mirror.
A skewed looking glass of judgement.
The bitter taste of eye sweat.
A plethora of coherent thoughts.
Words of the wise to sooth.
Words of a mother to comfort.
With the strength of a thousand selfs,
two words whimper through my lips.
My soul is an empty wallet.
Let me taste copper.
Let my black heart
rooted in sorrow
be injected with novocaine.
Let vengeance course like rapids
through the veins of you both.

j medicine hat

2008-06-23T08:03:49Z

I went to the funny bone comedy club Saturday night and saw j medicine hat. It was one of the best stand up acts I've ever seen. I didn't get hypnotized, but if I ever see him again I'm going to try to. It's hard to explain the act, but it's more than entertaining and it's unique every night.
The opening act was pretty funny too. He had a few memorable lines. He used to be a weapons guy in the air force and at the start of the war he was told that they couldn't write anything on the sides of the bombs because the military was trying to be culturally sensitive. He said if the military was trying to be culturally sensitive they'd drop exploding cars. A man about to get a bomb dropped on him isn't reading it and going, "Does that say sand... of no they didn't! This is bullshit! I'm calling Al Sharpton. It would have been ok if they wrote it with an a, but they used an er."

my birthday present

2008-06-17T17:58:27Z

On a August day like any other people are waking across the globe
but today the soft blue sky devoid of clouds is awaking minds as well
We still fight, but not with each other. Instead we now fight for one another.
Advertising changes agenda from branding logos and slogans to promoting feelings, fitness, and humanity.
Newspaper headlines in every corner of the world say "We are sorry for putting profits before journalistic integrity."
Osama Bin Laden issues a tape with a tearful apology.
Police departments apologize for all racially motivated beatings.
Pharmaceutical companies devout resources to curing instead of treating.
Shoe companies no longer use children to manufacture their products. They plan to ensure that no child lives without shoes on their feet.
Militaries melt their firearms to build pipelines for distributing clean water.
Absent fathers arrive at doorsteps to play catch with their children.
Sewer rat intoxication is at an all time high as bottles are emptied down the drains.
Doctors are treating patients by severity of sickness and not the strength of their health care provider. They will never see gun shot wounds again.
Casinos use remaining revenues to treat addicts.
Cigarette companies give patches and gum to their loyal followers.
Every map and globe has had it's borders erased.
Minds are sterilized of sexism, racism, agism, classism, and specism.
The former United States leads the way in disarming all nuclear weapons and lowering carbon emissions.
The signs at the gas stations say free as a way of reimbursing the consumers those giant companies have raped.
Drug traffickers transport drugs to fight malaria and aids.
There are people in orange jumpsuits on every corner holding up signs asking for forgiveness.
And this is only the beginning of a glorious August day.

2 days off turned to 3

2008-06-16T04:07:06Z

Going back to working in the days tomorrow. Not so excited about that, but I got an extra day off so...

Saturday I went to the Fuzion Ink one year anniversary. Free music (celebrity gunfight), Free food, and Free beer (PBR). I had a pretty good time and I rocked a JOA (http://www.jerksofamerica.com) temporary tattoo the whole time. It's funny to me because he's a rival artist who tattooed me the previous night, but here I sit enjoying free shit. They had a raffle too. I bought two tickets for a dollar a piece. One for me and one for my date. She won a $25 gift certificate to a place called sevens. And I won a $10 gift certificate to a place called D'eggs and a coupon for a free meal for two at Hell's Kitchen (the infamous place of the jerk off jerking off). This time when I go there I'm only using the ladies room.

All in all I had three pretty sweet days off. It's been awhile since I've been this cheerful.

Saw a couple movies
The Hammer - Adam Carolla isn't exactly a convincing boxer, but the movie was pretty good and damn funny
The Happening - M. Night Shyamalan is by far the most overrated director of our time. He made one great movie, followed it up with a respectable movie, and has since put out nothing but worthless garbage. This movie sucked from the get go. And would you like to know the "surprise" ending... there isn't one. They tell you what it is about 15 minutes into the movie and the rest of the movie is spent waiting for Marky Mark to die. Fuck this flick.
What Happens in Vegas - This movie was dumb and cliche, but I expected nothing less. There is tons of product placement so if you're a fan of everything that is Las Vegas you'll enjoy the backrounds immensely. And Asshole Kuntcher still can't act.
Kung-fu panda - Kid's movie. Fun to watch even being the semi-grown up individual I am.
War, Inc. - John Cusac at his best. Pretty decent satire of outsourcing war. Not a great movie, but unique and entertaining. This was another movie overloaded with product placement, but it fit into the theme of the movie so it's easier to ignore it.
You Don't Mess with the Zohan - In the end it's just another stupid Adam Sandler movie. It'll make you laugh a couple times, but I don't know if it's worth wasting so much of your life for a couple of chuckles.

a great day

2008-06-14T06:29:43Z

just got the largest paycheck i've ever gotten in my life.
had my first day off in 18 days.
my car is getting fixed for free on tuesday and i get a free rental car in the mean time.
bought a bathing suit and went swimming in the ocean for the first time this year.
ate sushi for dinner.
got a new tattoo. steelers tattoo.
walked my dog.

today was just unbelievably pleasant

untitled 5

2008-06-07T22:30:45Z

Aphrodite can only watch in horror
as her young sister, a nurturing mother,
strains in pain for every fleeting breath,
and slowly slips toward impending death.
This second daughter never envious
of the rich beautiful life she possesses.
Or the glass like skin and big blue eyes
that made her sibling a golden prize.
And after 6000 hours of this waged war,
Aphrodite cannot stand to watch anymore.
Those putrid cancerous cells infect
and her little sister she can’t protect.
Billions of cells multiply exponentially
consuming her exquisite body essentially.
Selfishly polluting her blood with secreted oils
and devouring organs amongst their spoils.
Her once fluent veins solidify like concrete.
Her brain is inching closer to inevitable defeat.
Rising blistering fevers like hellish fires
Immune system weakens to cancer’s desires.
Her luscious flesh deteriorates to black
as maliciously she is internally attacked.
Her doctor has forsaken her salvation
much to Aphrodite’s continued frustration.
What remains is an unrecognizable shell
to which Aphrodite must soon bid farewell.

Fuck COX (pun intended)

2008-06-01T21:48:12Z

We haven't had internet for almost 2 weeks now because one of my roommates hasn't paid his share of the bill. Because of this life has been hell. Especially considering both the classes I'm taking this semester are online courses. So in trying to get the internet back into my life, I sent one of my roommates a text message to persuade him to pay the bill. Here's an excerpt from our text message exchange.

ME: Wes, you should handle the cox problem. I'm only asking you because I know how good you are at handling cox. Just figured if you spent a few minutes playing with it u might get the cox up again.

ME: Urethra! I had an idea. If it taint a big deal, see if you can shaft them. Seman theres no sense in cumming up with more money for cox if we don't have to. See if u can persuade them by being a dick. I mean be a real ass. Shouldn't be hard since you are what you eat. And if you can't erect cox to see through your brown eyes, use that money you found in that glorious hole of the reststop mensroom. Please don't blow cox off. Just take one on the chin and do it.

Wes: I think given the history betwixt cox and pussies that endeavor is right up your... Ally. Besides as a genital rule cox pay pussies for their services so I'm sure you'll be compensated copiously. Just walk right into their orafice and spread it out for them

ME: Cuntrary to twat you say, dicks and assholes can be good friends. I would have thought you would know better than anyone this anal-ogy. Yes friction may occur but I'm sure with the right attitude you can take abuse from cox all day. Just call and ask for a Mr. Diertay Sanchez. If you still have problems tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. Either way, you win.

ME: Aw nuts! I almost forgot to mention that I'm not a pussy. I choke dicks like you and you choke on dicks like mine.

Wes: gloating about a victory over my druken stuper is the equivalent of winning the special olympics and only serves to solidify the truth that you are in fact a huge gaping bloody pussy. Apart from the fact that it wasn't even a real fight. Despite being impaired it was assumed that we were to hold back. But its cool, bask in the limelight your special. Please teach me how to be cool. Hahaha:)

Me: I will continue to bask in the glory that is I. I will also teach you to be cool. First things first, restuffing your stuffed animals is a no-no. Secondly the shrillish screams, be it from a crab or an occasional boo, are not only feminine, but very uncool. And lastly, anime is only cool if your an unemployed loser who lives in his mom's basement. U don't live in your mom's basement (as much) so cut down on the balls of z dragon.

Wes: The crab shit was supposed to make you laugh. And ur just jealous that the stuffed animals got more dick than you do.

ME: Oh i laughed. And I don't envy ur stuffed animals. I could get more pleasure from pissing razor blades than sex with you.

Wes: Cute nips btw... Must drive the boys crazy. Deathclock and devil worship are the only things that make me cool. Occasional ass sex is ok as long as its with seth mcfarlen. Thats why you always ask me about sorority sluts and strippers. It just to make sure I'm as much of a ladies man than you. It all makes sense now.

ME: What's wrong with wanting to shoot fish in a barrel? Huh gangsta? How about the time u told everyone how thug you were by getting t-bagged and telling everyone the black eyes were from a gang initiation?

Wes: The only apparent 'barrel' is the one ur scraping the bottom of for insults. I'm bored. Text back when you come up with some original material

At this point I lost my train of thought and never sent anything back. I had a good comeback, but I became fixated on the original material part of his last message and failed to respond at all. In my defense I was working outside on a hot 12 hour day. Can't win 'em all.

24 hours without sleep

2008-05-21T07:57:15Z

Going to get ready for work in a minute. Trying to make it at least another 12 hours without rest. Started school last night. Taking one hybrid class and one online course. Hybrid class (psychology) only meets 3 times over 10 weeks. Didn't have to buy books for this semester so I saved some money. Went to get a tattoo last night. Artist got stencil right first time, but it was upside down. Couldn't replicate result over next ten attempts (in her defense it is a weird spot that requires unusual symmetry. Getting a discount next time because of frustration at not having ink in my skin.
Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday. I got him a card. My cousins are going to be in town tomorrow through Sunday so I need to think of an itinerary for an enjoyable week.

Anal retentive or accidental?

2008-05-18T22:59:20Z

Are actions products of predetermined design, unconscious desires, or random and inconceivably precise events leading to a moment of free will? How could good and evil both be carved from the same clay? Does the clay possess a spectrum of blue, reds, loves, hatreds, greed, greens, wars, sympathies, empathy's, grays, famines, families, yellows, passions, pinks, and all the colors of the pastel that compose our emotions, feelings, desires, vices, and decisions. Is life predetermined down to the most miniscule of miniscule? Is the only meaning of life to preserve an allusion of accidents and free will? Are galactic matters products of clock work or results of a series of coincidences so destructive that a designer couldn’t even comprehend the devastation? If he exists, is god a meticulous artist with a passion for darkness?

To be Zeus

2008-05-11T23:13:16Z

A few years ago Skittles and I had a little bit of a toy obsession. He bought a BB gun, I bought a better BB gun, he bought a crossbow, so I bought a tazer. Buying a tazer was a bad idea. There’s a reason that heckler in that youtube video was screaming “Don’t taze me Bro.” Tazers are lightning bottled up into an area the size of a thumb that inflicts a maximum amount of non-lethal pain. I bought it at a military surplus store at a Flea Market. It’s 500,000 volts paralyze the muscles and bring a world of pain every time you hear it crack and pop to life. It was the best and worst 50 bucks I’ve ever spent.

I was so excited to use it on someone after I bought it, but I wasn’t sure who I could get away with tazing. Skittles suggested our “friend” Justin. I thought about it for a half a second before I agreed that he was the perfect test subject.

Justin is so gay he started smoking cigarettes because he heard he could suck on 20 fags a day for three bucks. I’m not worried about repercussions for electrocuting him. We called him and told him to stop by. The anticipation grew with every passing minute as we planned how to effectively force him to unwillingly piss himself as he convulsed on the floor. It was going to be amazing. If I had a tail it would be wagging so intensely, it would tear down the walls. I was pumped with the same anticipation as a child awaiting Saint Nick. His car pulled up and we tried to act casual. As he walked in, he was obviously weary of what we were up to because our attempts at acting casual were failing immensely. We head to Skittle’s room to show him what we bought today. He’s the last one in and hesitates at the door. As he finally starts to commit to entering the room, I whip the tazer out of my pocket and ignite it in a swift smooth motion, like a pistol from the holster in a western shoot out. While Justin begins running for the door, he jumps in an attempt to thwart the collision of the tazer. Because of his leaping I didn’t hit him in the side instead I got him in the gouch (the spot between the balls and asshole). The tazer paralyzed his legs so that as he hit the ground and tried to keep running he instead face planted. He cried about it for about an hour while we laughed at his misery and mocked his feminine scream. It was great.

A couple of weeks later I was the designated driver to Skittles. We alternate this responsibility from party to party. While he was passed out in the front seat of my truck I had an epiphany. My tazer was under the seat and this was a perfect opportunity for assholish behavior. Worst case scenario, he tries in his drunken state to kick my ass. Best case scenario, he doesn’t remember the pain I inflict upon him the next day. I unsheathed it from it’s case and jammed it into his side while simultaneously pressing it’s trigger. I tazed Skittles for about 3 seconds and then stopped. He woke up, looked at me and said innocently, “Did you just taze me?” Amazingly he was unfazed except by the welts it would leave the next day.

The following week we went to another party. This time he was the designated driver. I was shit faced and fell asleep on the ride home with my head leaned against the window. I remember an intense searing pain jarring me from my sleep. We were parked in front of his house and I hit my head on the roof of the truck trying to escape the pain in my abdomen as my friend laughed. I was pissed. He beat me at my own game and disturbed me from my peaceful slumber. I tried to punch him in the head as he scrambled from the cab of the truck. I quickly started to pursue him. He ran past his house down a bike path toward the park. I am going to slam him to the ground as soon as I catch him. While I was running, my foot snagged a piece of loose concrete and I flew forward at full speed toward an inevitable and painful face plant. My inebriated state didn’t allow for me to react to protect my face. It hurt like a motherfucker. I’m laying on the ground bleeding from road rash with the entire world spinning. I look up to see him walking back in my direction laughing. I struggle to find the breathe after running to yell out, “Truce.”

I almost never use the bastard device anymore.

Elect Me!

2008-05-05T23:25:17Z

Go to the community lj_election_en and cast your vote for yours truly. It wouldn't be up there though because they fear my wrath and thirst for power.

hear is my platform as I submitted it:

If you don’t vote for me it’s because you hate children.

I have been an member of lj for over a month now. I don’t have many posts, comments, or friends; but I have an unrivaled hostility from that of my other “worthy” candidates. And if I am elected I will do the following:

1. I will give people a wider variety of cuddly kittens to litter their profile with.
2. I will be ironic and not realize it.
3. I will not take my job seriously and drink heavily while I perform it.
4. I will ignore your complaints and your whining because I will be too busy reeking havoc on profiles I deem
unworthy of space on the internet.
5. I will start communities about injuring emo kids, drinking/drug stories, anarchy, sexual exploits, and satan worship.
6. And finally, I will use my position of power to become the supreme moderator of this site.

Do not dare waste your time voting for candidates who want to raise the costs of membership and sodomize barn yard animals. Instead cast your ballot for me so that I may take over this entire website and rule you all. Vote for me or the terrorists win!

to be finished later

2008-05-04T23:28:55Z

I have a friend named Skittles. He’s my best friend and I literally owe him my life. We call him Skittles because he likes to taste the rainbow. Not in the traditional since of enjoying a cock sandwich with extra meat, but in that he loves women of multiethnic backgrounds.
There are many reasons that alcohol is bad for you. Skittles is living proof that alcohol will make you so retarded, kids with down syndrome will make fun of you. I can’t remember any of the dates but here are a few reasons Skittles shouldn’t drink.

Story 1:
We spent the Saturday night the same way we spent most of our Saturday nights: sneaking out of our houses and getting drunk in our neighborhood park with all the neighborhood kids. It was a pretty good night until Skittles had a beer that transformed him from sloppy drunk into the Incredible Hulk. Not really sure what was bothering him, I just know that whatever it was he felt it was best to express his pent up hostility by tearing down a privacy fence with his fists. We tried to stop him but only from a distance because he had fucking snapped and we weren’t trying to get busted with him.

Everyone left him to his senseless destruction in time to avoid the encounter with the police. They apparently took down all his information and brought him home to his stunned Dad. He was going to be charged with destruction of property, but at least he didn’t get arrested.

Skittles' Dad made him take a shower and go to bed. There was no sense in yelling at him while he was still drunk. But while taking a shower, he decided he wasn’t ready to return to his state as Bruce Banner. Because he was drunk and loves interior design more than his role models the queer 5 with cum in their eyes; he took it upon himself to improve the Feng Shui of his house. He started by putting the shower curtain rod through the wall. This was followed by several dozen fist and foot holes throughout the house to rid it of that claustrophobic feeling. After beating the shit out of his walls and Dad, the cops showed up to take him into custody.

He was home free. He had a get out of jail free card. How he fucked that up is a testament to the type of unrivaled asinine behavior he exhibits while drinking. He got arrested twice in one night. The first time he was let off with a slap on the wrist. The second time resulted in a weekend locked up followed to a trip to a juvenile halfway house for several months. Some times I think that he has the brain power of an autistic dog.

Story 2:
in progress

Story 3:

Skittles returned home for a few weeks after he finished his dive school. To celebrate his academic success and the independence he was going to find by moving out of his dad’s house to Louisiana, we decided to spend most of the time he was here drinking. Nothing says congratulations like blackout binge drinking resulting in an embarrassing story.

I had recently found an alcoholic concoction that had already led to a few misdeeds. It’s a great combination that has a distinct kool-aid flavor to it. This simple to make poison is composed of equal parts of Sprite, Blue-Raspberry Vodka, Orange Vodka, and Citrus Vodka. So in addition to taking you from sober to stumbling, stammering, and stupid in the time it takes an Asian man to consume 50 hot dogs and stitch a pair of nikes; it has a weak taste that makes it tolerable for the weaker sex and guys who can’t handle anything stronger than fuzzy navels.

I decided we should go to my friend Josh’s house one night to get trashed. Skittles had yet to meet Josh and his 2 russian roommates and I was tired of cleaning up parties from my apartment. Besides you always learn something new when you drink with foreigners, for example, russians chase straight vodka with bites out of sweet pickles. It may sound disgusting, but it nullifies the burning and gives you something delicious to snack on.

After we showed up, I made a batch of kool-aid and the seven of us starting drinking. Within an hour I was on my third cup and Skittles was right there with me. Everybody was getting along and having a good time. Titania, Skittles, and myself went outside to smoke a cigarette. While we were out there Skittles decided he wanted to walk Josh’s pit bull Mabel. He asked Josh if it was ok. Josh said he didn’t care because Mabel’s a great dog and shouldn’t give him any problems. Somehow no one thought it was a bad idea to let a minor who had been drinking walk a dog he’d just met in a neighborhood he was unfamiliar with at 10 at night. They say that alcohol lowers your inhibitions and impairs your judgement but I don’t understand where anyone could find that correlation.

Forty minutes go by and Skittles hasn’t returned yet, so we decide to call him. After the third time he didn’t pick up we decided to go out front and look for any sign of him. We walked around for 10 minutes trying to find them but I was drunk and not really in the mood for physical activity. I resided myself to smoking cigarettes on the front porch looking for any signs of them. Shortly after 11 I saw Mabel come around the corner running full speed toward the house with an empty leash tailing her. The dog had made it’s way back without my friend. My friend’s 6 year old dog is smarter than my friend.

We tried to call Skittles to figure out where he was, but if he’s not smart enough to walk a dog than he’s surely not capable of performing complicated tasks like answering a telephone. As midnight rolls around, I realize that he probably got arrested for public intoxication. That explains why he’s not picking up his phone and didn’t return. The dog must of run off when the police confronted him. We continued to enjoy our evening by ripping on my retarded friend. We called sporadically throughout the night, but at around 2 in the morning, I decided I was tired and wanted to go home. Fuck Skittles. I’m not sleeping on a couch because he’s in the drunk tank.

At 3:30 in the morning Skittles called my phone and Titania answered it because I was asleep. Skittles was lost and needed a ride. Titania went to pick him up. He had walked about 6 miles to the oceanfront. He’d lost his keys, shoes, and wallet. He was covered in vomit and didn’t remember anything about the last 5 hours. God bless kool-aid.

Movies

2008-04-28T02:45:18Z

I went to the movies twice this weekend. I hadn't seen a movie in the theater since Juno because there hasn't been anything worthwhile to watch. Why would anyone honestly want to sit through 2 hours of garbage like Meet the Spartans? Since I wasn't paying I enjoyed my first trip to the movie theater in the last couple months on Friday to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall and a trip today to see Harold and Kumar 2.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall is in the spirit of Apatow's films 40 yr old virgin and knocked up in that it is a romantic comedy with a heartwarming message. It's not as good as either of the two (or superbad) but I thought it was still a great movie filled with fantastic acting, perfect comedic timing, and a realistic third person perspective. Mila Kunis was stunningly beautiful and I wish that the photo of her that was in the bathroom wasn't photo shopped. I highly recommend this movie especially in light in just having seen the second Harold and Kumar movie.
White Castle was hilarious and is one of my favorite comedies. The sequel is far from it. The movie was boring, dumbed down, lacked any realism at all times, had more pot jokes than necessary, and lacked a plot. The underlying plot to clearing their names was supposed to be Kumar's pursuing of the girl he loves but the chemistry and passion were both lacking. The best part of the movie was the poem "the square root of three." It's nerdy and intelligent and didn't fit with the rest of the movie at all, however the person who wrote it should be commemorated for a beautiful literary achievement.

The Wawa incident

2008-04-26T03:39:04Z

When you’re 16, it’s a real pain in the ass to ask people who are of age to purchase alcohol for you. They want either want money for gas or for you to pay for their alcoholism as well. I was getting tired of paying a percentage of my hard earned money to these assholes just for buying me alcohol. Not that I wouldn’t do it if I were them. It just sucks because they’re no better than me, they’re just older. So I decided to come up with a plan so that I could still get drunk, but I wouldn’t have to spend a bunch of money.

The plan I devised was to go on beer runs. It’s simple. You just grab beer and run. There was a Wawa across the street that had just been built that suited my needs perfectly. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Wawa is a high end gas station that sells poor quality gas dirt cheap so they can get people to buy shit inside. I’m not knocking the food by any means. There were many times that Wawa was my provider of munchies.

So the plan was to go into Wawa grab a twelve pack for each arm from the display and walk across the street into the neighborhood of townhouses. I had a friend (Jay) that lived on the corner townhouse so we could turn the corner and literally disappear. It was a perfect plan because by the time they noticed we were gone.

We did it at night so that no one would be able to see us once we crossed the street. We toasted ourselves to our success with free beer. It was easy, it was free, and it worked. It wasn’t until the seventh or eighth time that I finally got the balls to do it during the daytime. It was about noon on a sunday when Jay, Rome, and I all walked into the Wawa and exited with 2 twelve packs apiece. We went to Jay’s townhouse and began celebrating. After about an hour or so we got bored with our location and decided to go to Rome’s house to watch a movie. Neither one of them had seen the Boondock Saint’s (greatest movie ever) so I went home to get it. The plan was to met back at Rome’s house.

As I am walking home I realize that I am really fucking drunk. I will not be able to present myself to my parents as even remotely sober. So I made a decision to get in and out of the house as quick as possible without saying a word. It shouldn’t be a lofty task because I hate my parents for everything. And they hate me because they not only didn’t get a refund from the defaulted Trojan, but they got stuck with raising a rebellious pain in the ass. I had to use the wall to get to and from my room but I left unnoticed with the movie.

As I was making my way to Rome’s house, I turned the street corner and saw a very troubling site, a was patrol car parked facing my direction in the middle of the street in front of Rome’s house. My brain rationalized to continue on my course because turning around now was a sure sign of guilt. I’m not religious but I was praying to any God that would listen to let me walk by him unscathed. The only person who hates me more than my parents is God. The officer got out of his car and started making his way toward me, I am fucked. I am a 16 year old white kid with long hair wearing a black slayer shirt, black pants, and black boots in the middle of the summer. Even if I didn’t obviously fit the description of one of the hooligans they were searching for, I was obviously an underage stumbling drunk at 2 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

The officer greeted me with a warm and friendly, “Get on the fucking ground!”

He then gave me not one, but two metal friendship wristbands and a thorough but pleasant frisking.

He asked me why I was carrying a knife.

I told him I liked the sense of security.

He asked me if I had been drinking.

I told him I had.

He asked me how old I was.

I reminded him that he had just looked at my ID when he took my wallet.

He informed me that being a smart ass wouldn’t get me out of handcuffs. He then questioned me as to the whereabouts of my friends.

I told him I didn’t have any friends, because I lack conversational skills.

He was pretty fed up with my shit and made me lay in the grass while he looked to see if anyone was in Rome’s backyard. After a quick walk around, he put me in the back of his car. While he went to knock on Rome’s door to see if someone would answer, I entered a deeper circle of hell. I was sitting handcuffed in the back of the barred sweat box when a green taurus turned the corner and headed in my direction. As it passed I made eye contact with the driver just in time to watch her gleeful expression of seeing the local precinct doing their job well transform into a look of utter disbelief. Her eyes opened as wide as her mouth open. And in the same instant, her face contorted into a rage that would have made the 300 spartans surrender.

This cannot get any worse.

This just got worse.

As my mom parked her taurus to get out and yell at me through the window of the patrol car, my dad’s car turned the same corner. That’s right, the same turn had all ready ruined the day for both me and my mother. A normal family might play parcheesi after watching a movie. Not mine. As a family we don’t spend a lot of time together, so I really cherished the verbal barrage they inflicted on me while the officer informed them of my unlawful behavior.

The officer escorts me and my father to the Wawa. I’m still in handcuffs as the officer presents me to the gas station’s manager like he had single handedly caught the zodiac killer. Everyone in the store is staring at me. I’m supposed to be embarrassed by the situation I’m in but I wasn’t. I’m still smashed and I’m actually liking the attention. The officer tells the manager that I’m being charged with petty larceny and unlawful consumption of a controlled substance by a minor.

Wawa’s manager decides that the store doesn’t want to press charges. However he informs me that I am banned from all Wawa’s forever. More than anything else that has happened so far this struck a nerve. I should have a gold membership at this fucking gas station. I have literally spent hundreds of dollars so far this year on munchies. As the nature of the charges and the court dates are being explained to me I cannot stop thinking about how much I want a Wawa wrap at that moment. Have I enjoyed my final hoagie?

The officer takes of the fuzzy-less cuffs and releases me into the custody of my Dad. He’s pissed at my stupid, immature, and irresponsible behavior. I am pissed because:
1. I am in trouble, which means my behavior is now going to be closely scrutinized.
2. I am sobering up and the reality of what just happened is setting in.
3. My beer is gone.
4. My sunday is ruined.
5. I am no longer going to be able to enjoy the deliciousness of a Wawa meal when I’m craving junk food. Instead I’m now going to have to go to 7-11. I want to kill myself. You can only eat undercooked hotdogs for maybe three days in a row tops, before it becomes meaningless.

Post script:
-I got 80 hours of community service for my misdeeds. I served them all at the YMCA. I was at the facilities premises for 20 hours total when they signed off that I had completed all of my hours. I spent most of my time there smoking cigarettes and watching girls on treadmills.
-The officer who confiscated my knife lives a happy live as a talking douche in a uniform.
-Jay did not show up because he beat off and went to sleep.
-Rome was inside but avoided answering the door for over an hour. He denied knowing me, hid the alcohol extremely well, and passed a breathalyzer test. That asshole enjoyed the rest of his Sunday.
-Three weeks after the ban, I went back to Wawa. It’s a gas station, they have a high turnover rate. No one recognized me and they damn sure accepted my money. I still enjoy their delicious food.

Cancer of the World

2008-04-23T23:22:29Z

It’s origins unknown except through the eyes of Venus, she knows from inception the evolution of this cancer, this viral parasitic infection that spreads and kills all live tissue. Consume, consumption is the name of the game. The meaning of survival, shifting from basic instinct to close minded betrayal of self. Showcasing an overly obsessed compulsion for self destruction. Conceded egotistical critics denying the reflection of self is that of the rankest vile substance. The pledge of plague to destroy that which was sworn to be protected by the fathers of fathers. A promise broken to the Mother and the spirits divine. Concrete spreading like vines against the fertile terrain. Sprouting from soil, iron, and clay forming prestigious luxurious temples of shit worship. Vampires crave less blood than creatures who carve their host to suck her dry while feasting on each other to pass the time. Hostile preaching and violent teaching lead to God’s beseeching. Everest hair turns to stone while blue skin darkens and dirties. Aged and cracked by time the stress of impending death shatters dreams of infinite life. Fight or flight becomes the super imposed will. Conquering dreaded vile organisms the only hope for life. Salvation is not in victory but in complete annihilation by the carrier. Self mutilation is an unavoidable consequence of staving off the horrid exponentially growing infestation that will continue to grow until the world is black. Only Venus may tell this tale as with victory to the parasite comes death to the host and eventually starvation whilst a victorious host may be left with an inability to narrate its autobiographical struggle.

To be young again...

2008-04-23T23:18:42Z

My cousin’s live in California, Maryland. Or to clarify, the area in Maryland they reside in is called California or bumfuckville for short. My family and I used to go up there to visit their family a couple times a year. There is nothing to do in this town except play video games, basketball, or get into trouble. I usually stuck with the last two but I wasn’t very fond of basketball. When I was 14, we went up there to visit once and it was different from the usual visits.
I was not the typical kid in this neighborhood. I was the outsider and the rebel with my black clothes, punk rock tees, and my liberty spiked haircut. I stood out in this neighborhood like an adult at the Neverland ranch. My attitude was so poor, that a neighbor’s parents actually forbid their daughter from going near me. I guess they were afraid that my teenage anxt would corrupt the wholesome Christian values they had instilled on this girl. So I felt it was my duty to free this slave from the constraints her tyrant parents had forced on her. By sneaking over there when her parents had left I was not only breaking rules (my favorite pastime) but freeing this rapunzel from her castle.
So the first chance I got while her parents were away I went over and we started talking and flirting. She was really into my “bad-ass” lifestyle and I was really into her because I was 14 and she was a good looking virgin with nice tits. We start messing around and I am consciously thinking about trying to fuck her and get out of there in the next hour so that I could get back to my cousin’s house in time for lunch. We start kissing and caressing. Then we start stripping each other until we are both naked. As we are playing with each other and I’m getting ready for penetration she asks me if I have a condom.
“No I didn’t bring one. I didn’t think I needed to bring a rubber for my trip to bumfuckville.”
She laughs. “Well we can’t do that then.”
“Well we could use seran wrap. It works just as good.”
Now I knew this was a blatant lie, but I also knew that she was 14 years old, a virgin, blond, and went to an inadequate public school system. Translation = she’s gullible. After 30 seconds of convincing her seran wrap is even better than a condom we make our way to the kitchen to get some. While we’re both standing naked in the kitchen. a scary but familiar sound presents itself. The sound of a key being inserted into a lock.
She turned pale and looked at me and barely choked out the words, “Fuck. My parents are home.”
We turned and slid across the hardwood floors back to her bedroom. She closed the door and told me to hide in her closet. As she’s getting dressed there’s a knock on her bedroom door. Fucking perfect her prick fucking dad is going to find me naked in her closet with a raging hard on. And I wouldn’t put it past her at this point to just claim I was some pervert who snuck into the house. I mean her dad is a massive douche and I would do the same to stay out of trouble.
Her Dad walked right in after his courtesy knock because he’s the kind of person that doesn’t actually respect other people’s privacy. The first thing he noticed was how disheveled and out of breath she looked, “What’s going on in here?”
“Nothing Dad, I was just working out. You guys are home early.”
I don’t remember the dialogue that ensued but it equated to the parents being there for another hour. And ended with the him telling her she needed to clean her room.
As soon as he left the room she grabbed my clothes and opened the closet door.
I asked, “Do you want me to sneak out the window?”
She looked out the window and saw her brothers playing basketball in the driveway. “Nope. You’re staying here.”
We then proceeded to make out in the closet with heavy petting. I pulled down her pants and was going to insert when she reminded me that we left the seran wrap on the kitchen counter. It was now time for the hailmary, I said “Don’t worry I’ll pull out.”
“I don’t think so.” Oh well. It was worth a try.
Now for the true desperation. “What about oral?” Let me clarify why this was an act of desperation. I love head. I love it more than sex, but this girl had braces and they scared the shit out of me. I just kept imagining a minor snag turning into a second circumcision.
“I’ve never done that before.”
“No problem, you have to learn sometime.”
“Ok.”
So I laid down on her bed and let her begin to experiment. At first it was great but at some point she decided it would be a good idea to use her teeth a little. I quickly corrected this behavior before I shit myself out of fear in her bed. It took a while for her to get comfortable and find a rhythm, but when she did I gave her the courtesy tap she asked for and let loose all over her sheets. When her parents left, I cleaned myself up in the bathroom and left. I missed lunch by over an hour and was immediately confronted with a “Where were you?”
To which I casually replied, “I just went for a walk.”
Not every trip to Maryland has sucked.

The first time I got pulled over

2008-04-23T19:51:54Z

When I was born I was mistakenly given a surgery that wasn’t meant for me. Right after the umbilical cord was cut I was rushed to the ER to have an implant put into my right foot. The procedure never really affected me until I started driving. But as soon as I got a driver’s license, it became apparent that the doctors that put that 3 pounds of lead into my foot had inevitably changed the course of my life. I have a lot of speeding tickets. Double digits in fact. I truthfully don’t remember most of the cops, charges, or fines. I do remember the first time I got pulled over though.
I hadn’t had a license for very long and I was heading home on interstate 264. I was driving my mom’s Ford Taurus and I was in the far left lane (4 lanes each direction) going 70 in a 55. As I passed the South Independence exit I noticed a state trooper parked on the side of the road. I didn’t bother slowing down because I thought he was busy. As soon as I passed him, I saw him turn on his flashing blue lights and enter traffic. What a scary coincidence. Him getting a call he needs to respond to at the exact same time I drive by him speeding.
He comes up to the rear of my car very quickly and then just stays right behind me. I figured he needed me to get out of his way so he could get to whatever emergency he was heading for. So I put on my turn signal and got over right one lane. But he just stayed right on my ass blasting his siren. At this point I realize that I’m being pulled over and I start freaking out. I really don’t want to get a ticket because my Dad is going to beat my ass. So I did the only thing I could think of that would give me any sort of high ground with the officer.
I was a mile and a half from the next exit and I got into the far right lane and instead of pulling off the road, I continued driving and got off at the Rosemont exit. I got on to the off ramp and pulled my car onto the grass which was about 15 feet away from the actual path of cars exiting the interstate. I rolled down the window and turned my car off. The officer approached the side of my vehicle and asked for my license and registration. I gave him both and then sat in silence for the next twenty minutes as he ran all of my information. I just sat there running through the scenarios of what I was going to say.
He came back to my car and asked me, “Have you ever been pulled over before?”
“No sir, this is the first time I’ve been pulled over.”
“Did you know that I was behind you and that you needed to pull of the road as soon as I started pursuing you?”
“Yes sir.”
“Well son, why did you keep driving then?”
“Well sir, I just wanted to pull over someplace that was safe for you to get out to do your job.”
I deserve an academy award for my performance. I hate cops with a passion and yet I pulled this off. He was stupefied that I was so concerned about his well being that he let me go with just a warning.
I thought I had the perfect way to get out of tickets, but so far it has only worked twice out of the 15 or so times I have been pulled over.

project due tuesday for chemistry

2008-04-23T19:45:00Z

I'm taking a chemistry class at my local community college. The class is a joke. I had a project due Tuesday that I did an hour before class. Had to due a quick presentation on a topic related to chemistry. I choose the history of embalming. Enjoy!

This a quick synopsis of the history of embalming. Embalming is one of the earliest surgical procedures that humanity undertook. The most famous example of this is the mummification of bodies by ancient Egyptians. They believed that they were empowering the soul after death, which would return to the preserved corpse. The oldest example of mummification is that of the Chileans and Peruvians. Archeological finds have uncovered mummies that show that these two cultures were practicing this art at least 5,500 years ago. In Europe during the 12th and 13th centuries, embalming was undertaken by noblemen who wished to have their bodies preserved until they were able to be buried at home. From the 14th through 17th centuries, embalming in Europe wasn’t used except in cases of anatomists who needed to preserve their specimens. During the American Civil War, embalming became a common practice for soldiers whose families wanted the corpses buried near their homes. The embalming of President Abraham Lincoln gave notoriety to the practice of embalming. Two years later, in 1867, formaldehyde was discovered by the German chemist August Wilhelm von Hofmann. Before formaldehyde became a primary embalming fluid, it was common practice to use arsenic. This practice was abandoned due to concerns that the arsenic contaminated the ground water and that murderers who poisoned with arsenic could claim that homicide evidence was just a contamination of the embalming procedure. All major branches of the Christian faith allow embalming. However traditional Jewish and Muslim laws both forbid embalming and encourage their followers to preform burial rituals within 24 hours of a death. A famous example of embalming gone wrong was that of Pope Pius XII's in 1958. His botched embalming led to his body turning black, his nose falling off while lying in state, and the body disintegrating in the coffin. The Swiss Guards stationed around his body were forced to change shifts every ten to fifteen minutes because the body's odor caused some guards to pass out.

Eyes set to kill

2008-04-23T14:20:57Z

They were the only reason I went to the show at steppin out last night in virginia beach. There were 4 other bands Livid (who I missed because I was in class), Download, A New Revolution, and OTEP (I left during their first song because they SUCK). I got to met them and get a picture with them before the show and got a t-shirt signed by Alexia. I’m a huge fan of theirs and was excited to see them perform. It was horrible though. They didn’t have a working microphone and you couldn’t hear any vocals.
Picture with Eyes Set to Kill

From Left to Right: Caleb, Anissa, Me, Metal Greg, Alexia

I gave Wes the camera to take some pics and video while they played. Big mistake. He was drunk. He didn’t take any video and took a few shitty photos. He did say a few things in his drunken state though that made me laugh. Most notably. “Look at the marilyn manson fag over there. I thought he was a chick. I’d go over there and tell him he’s gay but he’d probably try to kiss me and then I’d have to grab his neck and tongue his throat. Then I’d have to snap his neck. Because he’s gay. But at least he’d go out on top. Nothing tops a kiss from me.”

Some pics Wes took of Eyes Set to Kill:

Download was good, but I felt bad for them because the layout had been changed and I don’t think anyone knew what to do. No moshing or stage-diving; it was harsh.

I've been banned

2008-04-21T17:17:52Z

I've been banned by the forum Thinkpositive30. Read full story on my 4/08/08 post 30 days of positive thinking. After 12 days the forum decided to ban me. I wanted to email my Day 13 to the forum's moderator with the following precursor:
I broke none of your forum's rules and yet you decided to ban me. So here's my day 13 post even though it wouldn't be posted I would like for you to read it anyway.
But they don't have anyways to be contacted. So if you do ever read day 13, I hope you learn something.

Unitren hates me

2008-04-21T00:51:04Z

Unitren is my car insurance company. I have had them for a few years now. So far they have been better, and cheaper, to me than both Geiko and Progressive. That’s why I feel bad that I keep giving them a shit load of paperwork to deal with. In the past month I have been in two car accidents.

1st accident: 3 weeks ago

It’s raining, it’s sunday, my roommates are fighting, I’m bored, and my roommates brother Joe and I have watched entire first season of the Boondocks waiting for them to come down stairs so we can do something. We decided not to wait any longer and go grab something to eat. We went to some Italian restaurant nearby. Because our heads aren’t up our own asses with snobbishness, we left and went to order Chinese takeout. We got our food and headed home to eat and watch season 1 of Metalocalypse while waiting for them to finish arguing.
I drive a manual. That means that when I’m on an incline and I release the brake I am in neutral. That means gravity is in full control of my vehicle. So when I left the parking lot and I took my foot off the brake to hit the gas I rolled back about 6 inches. In that short space, I managed to hit another car that was so far up my ass it could look out my mouth. I decided not to impede traffic and pulled out of the lot onto the main road and pulled into the K-Mart parking lot to wait for her. She pulled up next to me and screamed at me about a hit and run and calling the cops. I told her I didn’t want to block traffic, wasn’t running, and that she could call the cops if she wanted but that it was her fault and neither car appeared to have damage. She is an angry young black woman who wouldn’t be belittled by rational argument and decided to call the 5-O. I don’t care. I park and wait for the cop. I give her my insurance information and then eat my chinese food while I watch her wait impatiently. Me and Joe exchange car accident stories while we eat. My food is delicious and her rage and discomfort make it that much more enjoyable. She brings me her information and happens to notice the car is a stick. The look on her face transformed from pissed off, to a look of shock at realizing what she had just done by calling the police, was priceless. She then asked me if we really had to wait for the cops to show up. I told her that since she called them we did. She was now pissed again. This time at herself. The cop shows up right after I finish my food. I have fortune on my side. The cop says because the incident in a parking lot no one is at fault and we could leave. I called my insurance company to give them a heads up and let them know that if she filed a claim there wasn’t any damage to either car. It turns out that she never filed a report. What a bitch.

2nd accident: Today

My cousin and his friend were in town the last two days. They stopped by with my little brother and we all went to a tattoo parlor so the friend could get a strawberry tattooed to her hip. The three of us went out to eat. After words they all went on their way and I decided to go home. I got on 264 west and while I was driving the following occurred:
-Car in front of me failed to notice the right lane was closed and tried to merge left at the last second
-I hit the breaks and merged as well while noticing that the black car approaching me from behind wasn’t slowing.
-I’m now aware that this car is going to hit me and I tried to drive into the closed lane to avoid an accident.
-I failed.
-She hit my car and knocked my car into an orange cone.
-I assessed the situation and decided to drive my car out of harms way, in the process I lodged the cone under my car further.
-I got out to pull the cone out and noticed that the other car was gone.
-A state trooper who was nearby, they had just finished cleaning up a motorcycle incident, reversed to my position to ask me what I was doing.
-I told him about the accident and the lack of the other car.
-He drove off to find the other car.
-City employees made me move my car out of the closed lane.
-I waited for 5 minutes for the return of the state trooper after I moved.
-I decide to report incident. I don’t know the non- emergency number so I called 911 and asked them to transfer me. I know I should have called 411, but I’m broke and I don’t feel like wasting money to get the wrong number.
-The non-emergency number transferred my to the state police.
-The phone rang over 50 times before I hung up.
-Ten more minutes go by before trooper returns and tells me they found the car and where to drive my car to get to them.
-I arrive and notice that her car looks worse than mine.
-I also notice that she has a flat tire and a cracked radiator. Even the trooper said she probably wouldn’t have stopped, if she hadn’t been forced to.
-Give necessary information to trooper, ask woman if she’s ok, and take pictures of both cars.
-Trooper asks us both to sit in his car so he can get statements from us.
-He tells me I can’t smoke in his car. I ask him if I can litter. He’s not amused.
-He begins by asking her what happened.
-She says a car hit her.
-She starts crying.
-She starts spewing out useless shit. She has never been in a car accident before in her 53 years, has driven this road 1000’s of times to get to work, never speeds, just got the car, is the on call manager at a hotel right now, and the trooper’s cell phone ringtone is annoying.
-Trooper listens to all of it and then asks her how a car hit her front end.
-She doesn’t understand why this doesn’t make since.
-He gets out with her to look at damage to her car and explain basics of driving.
-On the interstate you don’t drive in reverse so if there is damage to the front of the car it most likely occurred because you hit someone.
-Get back to car. She still doesn’t get it and starts spewing same useless bullshit as before.
-I’m about to burst into laughter at her inability to grasp the situation. Three things prevent this: I’m amazed by this trooper’s patience, I’m being video taped, and I’m trying my best to hold back a flood of piss.
-A lot of silence ensues as he fills out paperwork and asks her more questions that she briefly answers before continuing to repeat shit she’s all ready said.
-This is taking entirely too long, I have to go. I’m bored and I really have to go.
-I actually debate whether or not to ask trooper if I can pee on side of road. Decide not to ask because I know the answer doesn’t benefit my bladder.
-I finally get to fill out a witness report and I’m told I can go.
-Call insurance company on way home. They’re closed and I have to call back tomorrow.
-Call cousin to set straight irony of situation. At dinner I told him that I am a bad driver and I accept it. So he should expect nothing less.
-I finally got home and pissed for two solid minutes.

Here are the pics:

my car

her car

Bad things happen in threes, so keep your fingers crossed for a new story soon.